Last Month

On our last day in Luxembourg, we walked the boys back to school in the afternoon one last time as a family  Then, Ingrid and I ran errands with Ben to the bank, the dump, and Cactus Hobbi to find a needle so we could deflate Otto’s soccer balls before the flight back home. 

We picked up the boys from school one last time. I cried and took lots of pictures. It was a really hard afternoon. It was really hard to say goodbye. We went home and ate dinner and then I took Aksel and Ingrid to the park while Ben and Otto finished packing. Once we were ready to go, we closed all of the blinds and said one last family prayer in the family room and drove to the IBIS hotel across the street from the airport. 

The kids watched the show Heidi for a few minutes and then we did bedtimes. I laid down with the kids and we were all asleep by 7:30 pm. Ben left to go meet Russ and Nate back at our house to shuttle all of our luggage to the airport for a night-before check-in, only to learn KLM doesn’t allow it. 

They left the luggage (10 checked bags, 3 car seats, 1 stroller, and 3 carry-ons) in the Andrews and Packer’s car with the promise they would meet us at the airport at 4:30 am. 

Ben came back to the hotel and took Aksel out of my bed and went to the room next door.

I'm excited. I'm sad. I'm thrilled. I'm terrified. I'm exhausted. I'm relieved. 

All three kids struggled all month with the changes; Otto especially. It’s hard even for me to process everything I’m feeling and not let it bubble up and explode out of me. 

The next day, we woke at 4 am. Ben and Aksel came waltzing in a few minutes after my alarm went off. Aksel had a big fat bloody puffy lip from falling off his bed in the night and smacking his face on the night stand/wall on the way down. 

We dressed, packed and went down to the lobby to wait for the shuttle to the airport. The shuttle turned out to be a small prius Taxi and not the large van parked out front. 

The driver approached us and said they only had room for one of us, not all five. Ben got pissed, in French. I like it when he does that. 

I reassured Ben that we would be right behind him as the driver kept reassuring Ben that he would return to the IBIS and get us to the airport in two minutes. Ten minutes later we were all reunited at the Luxembourg Airport. Nate and Russ were already there waiting in their cars with our luggage. 

Ben started the check-in process while Nate and Russ started wheeling in loads of luggage and I kept the kids happy. When all of our bags were checked in, we hugged Russ and Nate one last time and made our way to security.

The kids were anxious and impatient to get on the plane. Everyone got buckled this time without throwing a fit and we passed out the ipads and a snack for Ingrid. Ingrid is getting better about being entertained by the iPad, and I was so so grateful for this flight. 

It was a short flight to Amsterdam. Otto didn’t use an iPad. Instead, he used the little activity book the flight attendants gave him when we got on the airplane and he spent his time looking out the window at windmills and the ocean. 

Getting through customs and security was pretty easy and short. Otto likes it when the agent asks to match each child to their passport and Ben holds them up. We had a little bit of a layover in Amsterdam and we passed out more snacks and iPads and then played Simon Says and let them run around. 

We were among the first few to board the big plane to Salt Lake City. Ingrid and I sat behind Aksel, Ben and Otto. It was a really good set up. We passed out ipads and snacks again and tried our best to prepare for the 10.5 hour flight. 

It was a long flight. Really long. But flying during the day is always better than flying during the night. Ingrid fell asleep shortly after take-off and slept for 40 minutes. It was her only nap the entire day. 

Aksel fell asleep a few hours into the flight and slept for two hours. Otto didn’t sleep. 

Ben was busier than I was with both boys and it was really nice to sit back and let him be busy. The kids didn’t touch any of the airplane food besides pretzels and cookies. They mostly ate the snacks I packed. 

Ingrid really liked going on a walk to the back of the plane and then back to our seat on both sides of the airplane. Otto really enjoyed the movies available on SkyKids. Aksel really liked the peanut m&ms and running around to my seat and back. He did really good to stay by Ben, because normally he would want to be by me for everything. 

I started to really melt down about 8 hours in thinking we would never make it, but we did make it. We always do. 

Then, all of a sudden, Otto was yelling happily that he could see the mountains and we were beginning our descent into Salt Lake City. 

I love the feeling of landing on US soil after being away. 

I love the feeling of getting off of an airplane. 

Our kids did really well in customs and baggage claim until Ingrid pooped her pants and Aksel said he had to poop. I left Otto and Ben to manage their way with all of our luggage and went through the security check point. 

My parents and Ben’s parents were waiting outside security as a surprise. I changed Ingrid’s diaper and unsuccessfully convinced Aksel to poop and then we went and saw grandparents. 

Ingrid happily sat in both grandma’s laps and Aksel stayed close to me.

The Whites arrived to give us a ride home and we sent Otto and Aksel with Ben’s parents, Ben and the luggage with Darrell, and Ingrid and me with Lori. 

We made it to Francoms and put the kids down for a nap and then put ourselves down for a nap. At 4:30 pm, the alarm went off and we forced ourselves to get out of bed and wake up our kids. 

We took baths, ate dinner, played and put ourselves back to bed at 9 pm.

We survived our first night in America. Otto and Aksel slept really great. Ingrid was up from 2-4:30 am, but then slept again until 7:30. It’s our best jet lag transition ever. 

It was a long morning waiting for 1 pm church. Otto kept asking why church isn’t in the morning like it is in Luxembourg. 

A few hours before church started, we got everyone ready for church and then took a drive up American Fork Canyon. The Alpine loop wasn’t open, so we parked the car and got out and looked at the mountains. Aksel had fallen asleep (luckily). Otto pointed out the snow on the mountain tops and said: when can I climb to the top of that mountain? 

Then we drove to Becky Dunn’s. She wasn’t home, so we went to Uncle Gary and Aunt Vivi’s house. Otto started throwing a fit about visiting people we don’t know and why we weren’t just going to church. I forget that although I remember these people and love them and want to see them, Otto can’t remember them and is bored out of his mind. But, as soon as he saw Aunt Vivi’s face, he lit up a little bit and asked for a cookie. He also took the biggest poop ever at the Underwood’s house. 

The kids did really good during sacrament meeting. Otto could see and remember Angie and it was thrilling for us to listen and sing in English. Otto didn’t want to go to his own primary class, so he went to Sunbeams with Aksel. Delayne Grey was teaching the Sunbeams. Ingrid didn’t have a problem going to nursery, and I was so grateful. I sat by Angie in Sunday school and RS. It was nice to see people and feel at home in the ward. 

During sacrament meeting, I felt overwhelmed with feelings about the person I was two years ago in the ward and the person I am today. Leaving the ward, leaving Utah and going to Luxembourg really made me so much less judgmental. I viewed others and their homes and their clothes and their choices so differently before Luxembourg. I just feel different. I feel more accepting. More accepting of myself and of others. I feel less driven by clothes and houses and cars. I don’t feel like it defines me or anyone else anymore. I feel like my heart has grown for others and their stories and their lives and their struggles. I felt so much gratitude for the gentleness the Lord showed me while showing me a better way. I’m so grateful I moved to Luxembourg. 

After church, we went back to the Francoms and had a big meal with their family and KJ and Lindsay’s family. Sam, Addie, Otto, and Aksel had the BEST time playing. It was shocking and wonderful. 

In Luxembourg, I felt happy. I felt glad we were there. I felt like we had a good life. But I also felt like there was this sense of survival, hyper-vigilance or unease. It’s like I was always making the most of everything or every day -- the most of a chaotic school schedule; the most of rainy days; the most of lots of things. 

On one hand, I’d give anything to have early morning runs with Megan back, long afternoons at the park with friends, or girls’ trips to Paris. 

On the other hand, as I read my journal, I’m reminded of just how much Ben was gone, or how much harder everything was. But I’m also reminded of Otto’s friend Elias and the loss of that friendship.

I really don’t know how to navigate this new life. 

In some ways, it’s like Luxembourg doesn’t or didn’t exist. It’s like I pressed a button and all of the sudden we are here. 

There’s no easy way to hold on to it because the likelihood of going back is small or the likelihood of my kids remembering much of it is small. 

All of these things happened and yet here I am and the book is closed. The chapter is over. Never to be seen again. Never to be felt again. Never fully able to explain to someone here. And yet I miss it so much.

I honestly don’t know how to process it. I now totally understand why people stay close to their mission companions. They get it. They get each other. They can talk about it. I don’t talk about it with anyone. 

Moving to Luxembourg was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I’ve done some hard things. But it’s also one of the best things I’ve ever done. For myself. For my marriage. For my kids. For my family.

I feel like a champion. 

When I drive around in my minivan and pull up alongside another mom in her minivan, I look at her through the glass and think: we are nothing alike. And I’m finally happy about it. I have something inside me that Luxembourg gave me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 

Things I want to remember about our last month in Luxembourg: 

Aksel cried and screamed when the boys rode their bikes together, because Aksel wanted to “be first”. His melt downs almost always resulted in Otto crashing because Aksel would lose control of his bike in the meltdown. 

Ingrid and I spent the mornings doing laundry, playing with play dough, checking out a lady bug living in our attic, chasing Ingrid, playing humpty dumpty and making chicken salad.

The boys wore their lightweight jackets to school and loved it.

Aksel was ready to go to school really early each morning and again in the afternoons. He was loving school this month.

Ingrid started getting her two-year-old molars.

Otto had Daniel over for a play dates.

Ben worked late. 

I finished my Eifel Tower puzzle, with Anandi's help. 

Martha and I ran six miles through the city early one Saturday morning. We met at Megan’s house (even though she wasn’t in town).

We hosted and Easter Egg hunt and Easter Dinner with the Wares, Packers, and the Andrews. We fed the kids while the men went across the street to the park to hide the eggs. Then we all went to the park for the Easter Egg hunt. The kids were so happy. Then we came home and the adults ate dinner while the kids ate their candy and played in the attic. After dinner, Martha and I took all of the kids back to the park across the street to play. It was a really nice afternoon.

Easter Sunday and day light savings. 

We went to the Packers and ate Easter Sunday dinner. It was a really nice meal and it was really nice to visit with the Packers before Becky has her baby. During dinner, Nate said to Bennett that he should go upstairs and check to see if there was a rainbow in the sky. There was. We all ran upstairs. It was beautiful.

I finished reading the Doctrine and Covenants today. I love that I finished reading it on Easter Sunday.

It rained all day for lots of days. 

On Easter Monday, Ben had to work, but he was able to come home for two hours so we could go to the Emaischen Market downtown to let the kids pick out birds from Romy Weydert’s bird stand. We saw the Packers when we were downtown and let the kids ride a little train ride. They were super happy. Later that day, the kids and I spent the afternoon trying to stay entertained with iPad time, fort building, playing hot wheel city, playing in the attic, and playing in a card board box Ben turned into a playhouse for Ingrid. While I was feeding the kids dinner, there was a break in the rain and the sun was shining, so we jumped into our coats and onto our bikes and rode them to the school where we played for an hour. Just as we got home, it started dumping rain again. I felt so grateful we were able to get outside and play and so grateful I was strong/brave enough to get everyone out of the house at 5 pm. While we were on the playground, Otto wiped out on his bike and got sopping wet and muddy. Poor little guy. I encouraged him to stay happy and positive and keep playing. He did. I was so proud of him. I can tell he worked really hard to stay happy despite the yucky feeling of being wet, cold, and muddy.

Early morning runs with Martha. 

Doing a kid swap with Martha during the Easter school break. 

Ingrid falling down the stairs as we left the Ware's one afternoon. She banged up her left cheek pretty badly. 

Spending an afternoon at Bambësch with the Mullins and Wares. 

Each day I had Aksel practice writing his name on a chalkboard in order to earn iPad time. Today, he did amazing. His “k’s” looked like real K’s. I’m was so proud of him.

Teaching Aksel how to read. He’s mastered two books so far and we are working on the third. I feel like my heart might burst when he does something new.

Aksel climbing into my bed with me at night while Ben is working late. I secretly love it. I like his little warm body next to mine. One night, when I put him to bed, I told him he had to stay in his own bed and he said super grumpily, “no! I want to sleep in mama’s bed! It’s my bed too!” Made me so happy.

Otto was in the best mood one day. Played really well at the park and seemed to have a really good time with Noah this morning.

Ben really late. He didn’t get home until 3 am multiple nights in a row. 

Ben flying to the US (Minneapolis) for a client meeting. 

Joleka FINALLY came to fix our back doors and blinds. I had no idea how loud and terrible the six-hour ordeal would be. Had I known, I would have insisted that they come after we move out in three weeks. The workers only spoke Luxembourgish and German. After failing to use Otto as my translator, I called Anandi and then walked to a neighbor’s house and begged him to help me talk to them. We met Megan and her kids at the bike park that afternoon and although it was rainy and cold and kids whined and cried about snacks, Megan and I had a great time and some great conversations. Aksel and Ingrid nearly slapped each other to death in the car on the way to the bike park. 

Otto has been reading the scriptures by himself during family scriptures each evening. It makes me heart swell with happiness to hear him read from the Book of Mormon and get excited about phrases like “and it came to pass”. 

Aksel saw my painted nails while I was brushing his teeth and he touched them and said, “it’s so beautiful!” I love it when he notices beauty and identifies it. 

Ingrid loves to sit on a stool next to the counter while I’m making muffins, lunches, dinner or working in the kitchen. I love having her near me. She’s a good little helper.

One day, Ingrid brought me a book that counts from 1-100 with a page of popsicles and Popsicle sticks. She kept pointing to the popsicles and asking for one. We didn’t have any. Broke my heart.

Early morning runs with Megan. 

One last trip as a family to the Netherlands to see the windmills of Kinderdijk.

Going with Megan to visit Becky and her new baby, Lincoln, at the hospital. 

Zuly cleaning our house. 

Shopping at Auchan one morning for bread, strawberries, cereal, crocs for Ingrid and Birkenstocks for me. I let the boys go up and down the moving ramps a half dozen times. They love them. I’m going to miss Auchan. Then we drove to YoYo and played for two hours. YoYo forces me to put a minimum of 25 euros on my account each time I go, but it only costs us 19 euros to play for two hours, so I had 12 euros to burn since we won’t return to YoYo again. I spent 11€ on popsicles for the four of us and called it good. On the way home we stopped at the Dufforts to get our spare house key that was still hidden and attached to the barbecue we sold them.

Playing at the airplane park one afternoon. On the way home, we picked Ben up from work and ate dinner at Carlos and Yudri’s house one last time.

We went to ZigZag one last time.

We went swimming at the Niederanven Pool one last time. We brought Amanda Rodriguez with us. We met Star and Megan, Parker and Vivi at the pool too. 

We went to Kockelscheuer one last time. 

Megan and I hung out one last time. I drove to her house and then we took the bus downtown. We ate at Charles' Sandwich shop, and both ordered the BBC. Then we took a walk down to the Grund and spent the next two hours walking all over and eventually walking all the way back to her house.

Otto had one last play date with Elias. It was the best part of everyone’s day. I dropped him off at 2:15 and picked him up at 5:15. I am really going to miss Elias. After picking Otto up, we spent a half hour at the Farm Park visiting with Anandi, Yara and Kali. We got dumped on by rain on our way home.

Ben had lunch with Nate and Matt at Vapianos.

We went to Park Merl one last time. The kids played really well for nearly two hours. I brought bread so we could feed the ducks. Aksel can finally do the zip line without falling off and Otto can do it all by himself. We spent a lot of time at the zipline.

Spent a Friday afternoon at the park across the street from our house. Ben came home early from work and played with the kids before he went with Carlos to visit families in our ward. I mowed the lawn and cleaned out the back patio after tucking the kids in bed. Ben brought me home a Starbucks hazelnut hot chocolate.

Packers came over one Saturday so Nate could help move things with his car. Becky and her new baby hung out and the kids all played really well. For most of the day the boys played at the park across the street.

We went to Elias’ house as a family to say goodbye, visit and let kids play. Elias gave Otto a soccer ball as a going-away present.

Russ and Star came over to visit and eat New Delhi one last time. We also watched the new Rogue One trailer and a few episodes of Friends.

Last Sunday at church; it was ward conference. Ben blessed the sacrament in French. I led one hymn and was in the bathroom with Aksel for the second. Maile let the boys pick a favorite song to sing in French. Otto picked I Am a Child of God and Aksel picked Once There Was a Snowman.

We had dinner at the Mullins. Ben said it was like walking into Chipotle. Megan makes the best food. The kids played the game Pie Face after dinner and Otto and Aksel loved it.

We took dinner to the Packers.

Took the kids to McDonalds one last time.

Went to Megan’s in the evening for one last night of hanging out with the Luxembourg ladies -- Becky, Star, Mandy, Megan, Justine, Tracey, and Martha. Justine Howarth gave me a really nice card and book. Martha made a darling candy bar poster and when she read it aloud, it made me cry.

Otto’s teacher sent home a gift with him – a pirate strategy game called Pirate Attack. He loves it. She wrote the sweetest note and gave him a book in Luxembourgish.

Ben had a goodbye breakfast and lunch with his colleagues.

Sabrina came to babysit in the evening while Ben and I went on one last date in Luxembourg. We ate at Charles' Sandwich and then walked around the city, talking.

Ran the six mile loop through the city with Martha and Megan one last time.

Movers came and packed up all of our belongings. 

Ben and I made cupcakes for the boys to take to school on their last day. 

Ingrid was been super cute with Ben – followed him around, laid on him, played with him and wanted to be near him.

Otto woke up in the night with a fever and was hot and lethargic for his last two days of school. 

Ben went to the Mont Blanc store to look at pens, Villeroy and Boch to get a dish for me and Oberweiss to get some marzipan for Agnes before we leave.

The kids and I met the crew at the Farm Park, had cupcakes and let the kids play one last time. We took a group picture at the end. The girls gave me a Luxembourg cookbook. I walked home sobbing. 

One last run with Megan through Cessange. 

Ben took care of shutting off our utilities. 

Eating as a family around the little table and tried to give Otto, Aksel, and Ingrid as many hugs and kisses as we could.