But it isn't hard to drive away. It's been a long-time coming. We feel prepared. And the allure of Europe makes driving away really easy.
I feel sad, though, as the landscape turns from familiar to unfamiliar about unfinished projects and dreams that will stay unfinished. But Ben is driving confidently and fast (as he usually does on the autobahn). He reassures me the next bend, the next sight, and the next hill will have something incredible.
And they do. They totally do! I roll down the windows and yell, We're here! This is amazing! We can do anything!
And then it starts to rain and it gets dark and the insecurities of the way and the loneliness of the highway remind me that I can't go back. Even if I wanted to. I can't turn around. The time difference alone makes it hard to communicate and stay connected. And the signs aren't funny and interesting to read anymore. The French is annoying. And I feel like I'm starving.
But we rally. We find Snickers Ice Cream Bars. We play a favorite song on repeat a tiny bit louder. The rain stops. The French isn't so annoying because Ben speaks it and I have Rosetta Stone on my iPhone. And we see and do things we never expected to in our lifetime. We expose our kids to languages and people and places that will shape the rest of their lives.
And we keep driving. Away from easy roads and onto bigger, harder, character-developing roads. Utah is far away and not coming into view anytime soon. And that's okay. Because I live in Europe!
If you were to ask me on a bad day, I would tell you that Luxembourg feels like a place where all hope goes to die and I am going to die here too. Or at least all of my happiness is. But if you were to ask me on a good day, I would tell you that Luxembourg has made me feel invincible. I would unequivocally tell you that the only thing that matters are the four other people in the car with me. And where we're going or how we're getting there doesn't matter.
Figuring out how to be happy no matter where I am and what my circumstances are is the pièce de résistance of the past year. Sure, I could have learned this lesson in Pleasant Grove. But I learned it here. And I'm so glad I did.
Our one-year mark in Luxembourg came and went quietly and peacefully. Elise Smith and I texted back and forth all day as we share the same date of their return to the states and our arrival here. I feel wonderfully connected to Elise. She understands my experience in Luxembourg near perfectly and I, hers.
What a year it's been. What a year it's going to be! And what a month it's been. It's been a busy month showing Lilly what it means to be a mom and think about poop and pee constantly.
Case in point: One afternoon, we took the kids to Bambësch Woods and spent a few hours with the Mullins and Star. As we loaded everyone in the car to go home, Aksel announced he had to go potty.
I took him into the woods (per usual in Luxembourg), and he physically and verbally panicked. Realizing he needed to poop, not pee (and had still not successfully pooped on the potty), we rushed back to the car and I started driving home. Really fast.
Aksel started crying. I prayed. Aksel cried harder. I pulled over (onto a sidewalk) and laid Aksel down in the back of the car and put one of Ingrid's diapers on him. I reassured him that everything was going to be okay.
I returned to driving fast while listening to the Frozen soundtrack and singing at the top of our lungs to help distract Aksel from the war going on inside his bowels. Five blocks from home, Otto announced: Let it Go is my favorite song and Love is an Open Door is Aksels'. I love that Otto.
I rushed Aksel into the house, whipped out a plastic potty from the closet and sat him on it. I went back outside and started unloading the car. I came back in. Aksel is running around saying I pooped in the potty! Did he ever!
He would poop four more times that evening. Otto would also spill an entire gallon of chocolate milk. And a tupperware container of gravy would explode from pressure while sitting on the counter and send gravy up the walls and ceiling. There was a lot of brown liquid in our house that evening. It was hysterical. I've never experienced anything like that. Aksel hasn't pooped in the potty since. Lilly can't wait to get married, have babies, and potty train them.
Spending a day at Eifelpark in Gondorf, Germany, which we lovingly call the Bear Park. It was a great day. Everyone was happy. Otto and Aksel loved the alpine slides (so did Ben and I), jumping on the trampolines, driving bumper cars, eating gelato, taking a train ride, seeing animals, and other rides. Ingrid loved going down slides, playing in the dirt, eating gelato and taking a nap in the stroller. We stayed until closing time.
Unloading groceries from the car and taking them into the house while Aksel and Ingrid played in the car. On my way back to the car I heard a woman's voice. I leaned in and realized Aksel had found the SOS emergency button and pushed it and an operator was trying to assess our emergency. I explained a child had activated the button and then hung up. Then Aksel looked at me (as proud as ever) and said, I'm talking to STAR!
Spending a Saturday in Bernkastel-Kues with the Packers and the Andrews checking out a lackluster Lego exhibit, ripping our shorts on a plastic slide, eating lunch in a picturesque City Center, seeing the Pointed House, walking along rows of grape vines and ending the tour with an hour at a park and soft serve ice cream along the bank of the Moselle.
Bumping into Kelli Gilstrap at Colruyt and getting a chance to say goodbye.
Running in the early mornings with Megan.
Eating dessert with the Mullins, the Wares, the Andrews and the Whites on a Sunday night at the Farm Park. Star kept putting whipping cream on angel food cake for Aksel and Ingrid to lick off and they kept coming back for more.
Ingrid ditching Ben in Sunday School for Lilly.
Otto used the word disgusting.
Taking the kids swimming at Niederanven with the Wares and Packers.
Ingrid sucking on her arms until they're raw and bloody.
Meeting Becky, Megan, and Star at Provençale for a little warehouse shopping one morning.
A meter maid telling me I am ridiculous for where I parked the car to pick up Otto from school.
Otto noticing more and saying things like: Sometimes we eat lunch after naps like on Sunday's.
Ben coming home early from work one afternoon and spending the duration of the evening playing in the backyard, mowing the lawn, playing in the pool, paying baseball, squirting water guns, and eating popsicles.
Making muffins.
Aksel loving to find Lilly. As soon as she's out of his sight, he starts his search, calling out her name, going upstairs, knocking on her door, opening her door, turning off and on lights and fans and then eating all of her crackers. Sometimes, after I've already put him to bed, I would go upstairs only to find him out of bed, in Lilly's room, eating her food.
Otto and Lilly hiding behind a closet door to surprise me when I walked in the front door.
Otto discovering Rescue Bots and Autobots and falling in love.
Aksel waking up for hours at night, wandering around, turning off and on lights, singing songs, reading books, asking to get in my bed, and asking to use the bathroom six times.
Picking up Otto from school and going to Parc de Merl to jump on the trampolines, ride the zip lines and feed ducks.
A goodbye dinner with Lori White at Mamacita's. Best guacamole I've ever had. Talking with Lori in the car for hours afterward.
Giving Otto a mini Rittersport for reading books and walking back to school without being a stinker.
Taking Lilly to La Belle Etoile, spilling a bottle of bubbles in H&M and snacks all over the dressing room, buying pain au chocolate, and riding a mini train.
Unbelievably hot weather. With no air conditioning.
Kali and Yara appearing in our kitchen, snatching muffins and running home.
Going to the Castle Park with the Packers.
Playing Chutes & Ladders with Otto.
Ingrid being obsessed and never-without her baby.
Watching the Season Finale of White Collar.
Otto convincing me to read three Berenstain Bears books at bedtime and having it take more than 25 minutes.
Hanging out at Russ and Star's place, eating Indian, cheesecake, eclairs and playing Fibbage.
Going to Parc du Belair late one night to say goodbye to Lori, Madi, and Kyla White.
Going to the bakery, Au Pain du Mary each Friday afternoon.
Ben going to a movie with Russ.
Painting nails and watching movies with Lilly.
Weeding the front yard.
Eating popsicles.
Nate Packer and Carlos Rodriguez coming over to ordain Ben to be a High Priest and set him apart as a High Councilman in the Nancy, France stake of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Eating Becky Packer's French Peasant bread.
Running with Aksel and Ingrid in the mornings.
Showing Martha around Colruyt.
Taking Otto to meet his teacher and show him his classroom for the next school year.
Riding bikes around the block.
President Ulisses Soares visiting the Luxembourg Paroisse one Sunday and being asked to give a talk the same day.
Talking with Yudri at the school talent show.
Buying eight bags of dried pineapple at Delhaize.
Celebrating the fourth of July in our backyard with our American friends, ice cream, pools, water guns, and American music.
Taking Aksel to meet his teacher and show him his classroom for the next school year.
Watching Tangled with our kids.
Going to the Frankfurt LDS Temple and Heidelberg with Ben.
Otto asking to be carried to school.
Playing at the Jardin de Circulation with the Wares, Packers, and Mullins.
Feeding the missionaries Norwegian Waffles and Elder Brockbank playing with cars with Otto and Aksel.
Aksel loving books and wanting endless amounts of books read to him at night.
Celebrating the last day of school with an ice cream party at the Farm park with the usual crew (and cupcakes for Viv's first birthday).
End of the year parent-teacher-conference with Otto's teachers.
Picnic at the park -- looking at bugs, kicking soccer balls, and building sand castles.
Saying goodbye to Otto's teachers (who won't return to be Aksel's teachers because of the birth of their babies) and crying and hugging and taking lots of pictures.
Ben going on splits with Elder Christensen to Sabina's home.
A romantic trip to Venice with Ben.
Going to immigration with our updated visas to get new residency cards for the next year.
Ben spending way too much time on an Star Wars app.
Setting up bins in the living room and Otto and I trying to throw balls in them.
Riding bikes in the attic.
Ben taking Otto on an ice cream date in the City Centre via bus.
A friday-night BBQ at the Mullins with good food and good friends, dads playing soccer with the boys, Otto and Aksel happily playing with trains and autobots in the playroom.
Ingrid pointing to pictures and identifying people
Pool parties in the backyard with Otto's preschool class.
Having Raphael Brites over to play with Otto one morning and listening to Otto speak in Luxembourgish to his little friend.
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